Suit Yourself

Here is a riddle for you: My hips are wider than my waist, my waist is larger than my hips, I have a bust that would split a tent & 2 pickles are my legs? What am I?

(I am a 56-yr-old woman being forced to buy a new swimsuit.)

Anxiety & stress are the emotions that come to mind when I think of shopping for a swimsuit. I have worn the same one for most of my married life to avoid going to the store. There is NOTHING like this experience to expose the flaws, both real & imagined, that drive me crazy! Just the thought of it breaks me out in a cold sweat.
I just skimmed an unhelpful article about "The Suit That Suits You." Apparently, the right swimsuit can make a woman look chic, comfortable & confident in or out of the water... no more "ride ups," wedgies, or unsightly readjustments when exiting a pool... just a matter of knowing what to minimize, enhance or conceal...
This has to be a thin person's joke. It calls to match body type to a description on this list:

Inverted Triangle: Shoulders &/or bust are wider than hips.
Rectangle: Same hip & shoulder width without a defined waist.
Triangle: Hips are wider than shoulders &/or bust.
Circle: Waist is larger than bust & hips.

Star: Entire body is of equal proportions from chin down.

Well, sheesh, all of the above apply to my shape! I must be an Inverted-Triangle-Rectangle-Triangle(again)-Circle-Star-Body-Shape! It never mentioned that a girl like this is out of luck & that any suit on the rack will sink to the bottom.
Instead, there was a note of hope... find a style that will be seen all at one time; thus blending the wearer, unobserved, into the crowd... avoid blossomed suits that make eyes bounce from flower to flower like a bee, hanging for a long look. (Oh, man...what a slam on my old suit!)
The article left me with only 2 possible outs... buy enough of a suit to cover myself & ACCESSORIZE! (shapely necklines,empire waists, princess seams, high backs, wide straps, side stripes, skirts, boy-cut legs, industrial bust support, dark colors, ruching, draping, & shirring at the waist ... cover-ups, sandals, hats, sunglasses, beach totes, towels, flamboyant embellishments, large lawn chairs & my 2 personal favorites... camouflage & a fake-ID)
Obviously, bikinis should be left to the young & wearing a one-piece makes it easier to keep on - as long as ties are avoided... but what is there left for me? I'll tell you what! As Maxine says, "I don't skinny dip.... I chunky dunk."
I just have to swallow pride & step up to the skinny, little girl at the ca$h register. "Please," I will say, "put it in your smallest sack... just mash it up if you have to & don't worry about the wrinkles... I certainly won't."